Apr. 25th
I was reading someone else's blog, and they said something along the lines of "I kept saying to myself 'oh I want to create, too bad I can't.' and then I realized my anxiety/fear was the thing holding me back." and that really resonated with me. I want to create so badly but I have no inspiration due to being too scared to try anything. I think I was also never taught to put effort into anything (thanks mom) and that's definitely negatively impacted my ability to invest in my passions. I want to do better for myself, and for future me. I'm tired of feeling lazy/dumb, it's time i do something about it. I need to spend my time creating instead of consuming. It takes energy to create, it doesn't take barely anything to consume. I need my personhood back, my soul has been muddied by viewing everyone else's.
Jan. 13th
It's hard not to give into the sadness. I'm doing so well, but it feels weird to be content for this long. Maybe in a way I'm just ignoring the sadness to try and get through things, maybe my mind is trying to tell me to recognize my pain. I don't know, I'll figure things out.
Jan. 12th
Despite being doomed to pain, I should push through it for myself. If I don't do anything, I have only myself to blame for bring miserable.